Enough.

At 10:00 tonight, Lila was still not asleep. She was quietly singing and talking. I decided to go in and check on her...not realizing the therapy that would follow.

You see, I've been struggling lately. With anxiety. With intense mom guilt. Feelings of failure. And I've just been overwhelmed. I think every mom feels like this at some point. At least, I hope so...I hope I'm not alone in this.

I put so much pressure on myself to do and to be. 

Is she getting enough social interaction? Does she have enough friends? Do I stimulate her emotionally and intellectually? Does she eat enough vegetables? Should I enroll her in a music class? Or dance? I'm not ready for her to be 3. I don't want her to ever go to school. Should I have handled that situation differently? Yes. I should have. I say "no" too much. I should take the paci away. And why will she not potty train? 

Does Luke get enough attention? Do I read to him and interact with him like I did with Lila? Is he going to feel as loved by me as Lila does? Is she going to ever stop being jealous when I pay him more attention? Is he happy? 

I do a lot with my children. I find fun things for us to do. Arts and crafts and play. We read and we learn. I try to make the smallest things special. I try to do my very best.

And sometimes...it still doesn't feel like it's enough.

But.

It's just me. It's just the thoughts in my head.

Because my little girl and my little boy love me. They want me. Despite my weaknesses and my faults. Despite whether or not I spend the entire day doing fun things I find on Pinterest. Or days that I am completely absent and we do mindless activities just to try and get through the day.

My sweet son lights up when he sees me. And he looks at me with this look of complete love.

My darling daughter tells me that I'm her best friend. And she tells me almost every day, "This is a special day mommy."

No matter what. They want me.  They love me. 

When I went into Lila's room 20 minutes ago, I asked her why she wasn't asleep. And she said, "Because I just want you mommy."

And so we rocked. She rubbed Bunny's tail with one hand and my face with the other. When I told her I loved her, she shook her head yes and buried her head right next to my heart. And fell asleep.

It was exactly what I needed.

To them, I am enough. And I must remember that.